Oh damn..
I know that when the day comes, you are barely going to even spare a single glance at me; let alone know what length dress I wore or what coloured shoes I matched my outfit with. You are not going to realise that I curled my hair the way you liked it or that I painted my nails your favourite colour. You would not look my way when my name is called. We are not going to meet eyes and exchange polite smiles. We would be like two strangers in a room full of people and that saddens me..
so I am writing my own fairytale, my own alternate ending that I am going to live in until that day comes.
You see me walk into the hall and we meet eyes, barely, for a second before we both turn away. My cheeks redden because I immediately recognised you as the boy who has my heart but you don’t recognise me right away. You take another peek at me from the corner of your eyes. The lack of spectacles distracts your memory. The curled hair seems different. I am little taller with my heels on. Recognition sinks in. You do the thing you always do after we meet eyes and look away, as though my soul takes the form of a different body every day and you needed time to figure out whether it was me.
You half-shout my name like you always do, hoping to get my attention. My heart beats a little faster, my body tenses. I recognise that voice. It is the same voice that plays in my head for days. I turn around and you are standing right in front of me. Considering the fact that I was wearing heels, I do not stare right at your chest like I use to. This time, my eyes met your lips and for a minute I wonder how they would taste like.
Hello, I would say before feeling shy. The conversation turns quiet. The room goes silent and I walk away because you no longer have anything to say, as always.
We sit at separate tables, it has always been our fate to be separated. Our paths have only crossed once in this lifetime and that was all it took to get me hooked on you. The night goes on, dinner is served. I try to eat even if I am not hungry. I sneak glances at you. You never took a glance at me. You laugh with your friends as they speak, you smile when they make jokes. Your laughter fills up the room. I wonder if it is the last time I would ever hear you laugh.
Dinner has ended, the party just started. My name gets called and I walk up to stage, trying hard not to trip over my own legs. My smile is forced and you see through it, how can I smile when I know tonight is the last time I will ever see you. I look for your face in crowd, we meet eyes and share a polite smile. She looks gorgeous tonight, you think but you never say. You never tell me and I will never know. I walk down the stage carefully, trying to think about everything except for your smile.
The music started, it is a little loud for you. I see you walk out of the hall with your friends. I found myself hoping that you have not left. I found myself hoping that it was not my last glance of you. I dance with my friends and I am suppose to feel happy but I don’t. I am left with this feeling of regret. A slow song comes on, a random boy from the elder year asks me for a dance. I tell him maybe later and politely excuse myself to use the bathroom. As I walk out the hall, I see you with your friends. You don’t see me at all. There is this girl with a short dress and your eyes are on her. They are not actually on her but that was how I interpreted it. I would never know that in that moment, you were actually thinking about me. I go to the toilet, I can’t stand to see you looking at her.
As I walk out, most of your friends are gone. You were left talking to one boy as you swayed your body to the slow music. You looked like you were drunk but I know you don’t drink alcohol. You still don’t see me standing there. I muster up some courage. It is the last time anyway.
This time, I half-shout your name, hoping to get your attention. Your heart beats a little faster, your body tenses. You recognise that voice. It is the same voice that plays in your head for days. You look my direction and I am standing right in front of you. Considering the fact that I was wearing heels, you didn’t stare at my hair like you use to. You eyes met my forehead instead and you wondered how it would feel like place a kiss on it.
Your friend looks at us. He doesn’t get the hint that he should leave. I want to say something but I suddenly don’t know how to form sentences. This always happens when I am around you. Hello, you say. The conversation turns quiet. The room goes silent. I want walk away because you no longer have anything to say, but this time I decide to stay.
‘Dance?’ I mutter, ‘Do you want to dance?’ I ask. You look at your friend, then back at me. You wondered if you should take my offer. You don’t know how to dance but you don’t want to embarrass me in front of your friend. I don’t know how to dance either, I don’t know why I asked. You nodded your head and told your friend you would catch up with him later. I grab your hand and walked towards the sound of the music. It didn’t look like you were going to move anyway.
We reached the middle of the room. The song changes to one we use to hate but have learnt to love separately. You tell me you don’t know how to dance. I tell you not to worry because I would make a bigger fool of myself. I didn’t know how to walk in heels, let alone dance in them. You chuckled. I take your hand and your put them on my waist. I put my arms around your shoulder. My moment of courage starts to disappear. I feel small when I stand so close to you. My heart is beating too fast. I am afraid you can hear it.
You feel awkwardness around us. You look everywhere but in my eyes. I wonder why you are not looking at me. I mutter a thank you in an attempt to start conversation. You tell me no worries, like you always do. We sway to the music and you finally look at me. We meet eyes, there is vulnerability in the way I look at you. You see it in my eyes. I blurt out that I like you. You know anyway, I have told you before. I tell you that you shouldn’t feel pressured about it. I tell you that you don’t have to feel the same way. I tell you that we are probably never going to see each other ever again. I tell you it is okay. You ask me how I know I feel this way. You tell me I don’t really know you anyway. I tell you that it is simple. I tell you that I like the way you make my insides feel. You smile at that. I smile at you smile and you look away. I think it is because you feel awkward after my declaration. You look away because you are afraid I would see the vulnerability in your eyes. You wondered how so much courage fit into a little girl like me.
The song is ending. It transitions into a more upbeat one. We walk to the corner of the room. I thank you for the dance and for the two years of high school you spent knowing I had a crush on you. You smiled at me and nodded your head. You wondered if you should say it. You wondered if it was too late. You wondered if you should have said it a year ago when I said it. I turn and begin to walk away.
You half-shout my name like you always do, hoping to get my attention. My heart beats a little faster, my body tenses. I turn around and you are standing right in front of me. The conversation turns quiet. The room goes silent. I don’t know what to say, so I wait for you to say something. You don’t know what to say, you just hate the thought of me leaving. I pray for you to gather some courage. You muster up all the courage you have been saving.
‘Out,’ you say. ‘Go out with me.’
I smile.
Finally, I think.
Finally I know.
